Hatred of parents: what to do with this feeling

Since childhood, we are inspired by love and gratitude – the unconditional feelings that should be experienced for parents. In reality, they may be opposite. How to live with anger and hatred for the closest people, the psychotherapist Veronika Stepanova thinks.

Having matured and looking back, we understand that the parents were unfair with us. That we perceive especially painful?

Physical or psychological violence. The child lives in constant tension, the parent turns into his enemy, from whom he must be defended and wait for a blow. The elders solve all problems in such a family, by right of a stronger – physical punishment or constant cry.

We master the model of relationships with the world in communication with parents. They teach to understand and express their feelings. If in the family all our attempts to declare ourselves and our desires were suppressed, then in adulthood we leave with inability to openly talk about what excites us, and a lump of resentment against our parents.

Lack nearby. Often, after a divorce, the father may stop communicating with the child, and the mother goes with her head in a career or building her personal life. Children are left in the care of grandmother, and, growing up, they perceive this situation as a betrayal.

Formal communication. The parent lives with the child, but satisfies only his primary needs. Prefers to pretend that since the children are full and healthy, they are fine in their life. If a child is trying to talk about a conflict situation at school or with friends, then the mother or father, not wanting to experience psychological discomfort, depreciate his feelings and experiences: “teacher is right”, “deal with the offender himself”, “you exaggerate”.

Growing up, we experience anger against such parents. Someone is arranging violent clarifications of relations, which in most cases do not lead to anything-parents are not ready to admit non-legal

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. They, as a rule, have already reached the elderly, which is distinguished by rigidity and unwillingness to change.

Moreover, the projection projection begins when a mother or father is accused of children in everything. They feel guilty, but in order to get rid of her, relatives and acquaintances talk about what unbearable children they have, in whom they have invested all their strength. So the parent eliminates himself from living unpleasant feelings, shifts guilty to adult children, thereby aggravating their pain and resentment.

You can not talk with parents about your feelings, do not call them, punish them in silence. However, such an expression of anger does not give relief, because we continue to save it in ourselves, expecting repentance.

Recognize your feelings

There is a high probability that in a conversation it is not possible to find a common language and barren attempts to achieve this will be painful. It is important to say everything that you feel. Not in order to get understanding, but in order to comprehend painful experiences and gradually part with them.

You can do this in a conversation with a psychologist, a close friend, understanding a relative or even alone with you. It is necessary to throw out the accumulated aggression verbally, and then describe your experiences on paper. After that, we can experience guilt, especially if we said bitter words to the parent directly.

The rationalization mechanism is turned on when we are trying to justify everything: “It was not easy for my mother, so she was rude with me”. Remind yourself that you and your parents are different people, and it is important to allow yourself and them different feelings. Including resentment and bitterness, if these are the consequences of their education. You cannot force yourself to experience love and gratitude to any of the people, and your parents are no exception.

How to interact further

Accept the fact that the parent will most likely not change and you will not achieve sincere words from him. At the same time, the relations of enemies take a lot of strength and energy. Transfer them to a formal-friendly level. Call, meet, let it be neutral conversations that do not concern your life.

Awareness of children’s resentment is important. Without doing difficult, but necessary internal work, we risk transferring negative feelings to a partner with whom we play a childhood scenario.


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